All These Toxic Things I've Done...(Intro)

I will be 48 this year.
That is about the same age my dad was when he was diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs Disease in 1996.

My dad was given two years to live and died almost 2 years later on February 15th, 1998.

This realization that I am approaching an age my dad was when he got the news he had a limited amount of time left on this earth (and much of that time would be challenging) - is playing wicked tricks on my mind and is causing me to reflect more on my life than I did in 2014 when I faced a health crisis.

2014 launched me into the world of doctors, medicines, and surgery. It also made me take stock of what I'd done (and not done!) in life. I was convinced I wasn't going to live to see the year 2015. I started to take a long honest look at my life. How did I get to the place I was? It wasn't a bad place, but it could be much better. At my age, I should have accomplished so much more. What I had accomplished was a-lot of hangovers. A-lot of heart-ache. What I had accumulated were a-lot of recipe books. I also had many diaries so I could journal all of the fun things I did in life. Because growing up, the messages surrounding me were all about "living for the moment" "you only live once" "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere!"

In 2014, I started tracing my life events,  things I had believed, and what led me to believe them. I have learned so much since then, ideas and information I want to share, but have been struggling with the approach.

And then, a few weeks ago, I  found a folder filled with my dad's emails to me. After he was diagnosed with ALS, we started to communicate via the internet. We lived many miles apart, but through those emails, I got to know him better than I ever had the whole time I was growing up. That was the only silver lining to the disease that killed my father (but it never defeated his spirit that still lives on).

Four days prior to his death, I had written to ask him what beliefs he would go out on a limb for.
He answered me the following day, writing; "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." He went on to describe his time in the military. How it helped shaped him. How he never realized how important the USA was until he was stationed outside of the States.

Though I’ve always been searching for the “holy grail that explains the keys to happiness” -  after a my health scare in 2014, after re-evaluating my life; my personal experiences, my scattered successes and horrible, epic fails, and I realized the answers had been there all along; I had to look no further than my dad. He had provided all the examples I needed – but I was too busy watching movies, reading books, and listening to “experts” because what could my dad…my blue jean wearing, football loving, car racing enthusiast, Three Stooges and John Wayne fan, plain old dad, teach me about the secrets to a good, happy, significant, life? Turns out: everything!

When I was growing up, my father  tried his best to be an example of honesty, humor, hard work, harmony, and humility, (all of which lead to happiness) - but I refused to believe that happiness could be that simple (and frankly, it seemed damn boring!). I was busy being distracted, drifting, and under the influence of a society that pushes pleasure, ease, and escape; their ultimate goal is to decay you to save you. And boy, did they have a willing student who eagerly couldn't wait to show how smart, cool, forward thinking, I was!

I know my father worried very much about how I would turn out. He was correct to worry. And I worry about my children. I had a great role model in my father. My children, however, had me, a mother who was trying to be cool, hip, and progressive. I don't know that I'll ever be able to undo the toxic influence that I passed on to them, but I sure can try.

I guess the most honest way to do that, is to start with what I've done, what I was thinking when I did it, and hopefully, my experiences will bring awareness to how our happiness is hijacked, how our confidence is worn down, and how our character and courage have been slowly eroding and what we can do to get back to good.

We all know that life is short. And I've done a-lot of good in my life, don't get me wrong. But what I've come to understand is that the things my dad valued: life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, is not just something you think about; it's something that you must protect, you must understand, you must be constantly vigilant.  Everything I did in life that was promoted to me as "freeing" and promised to bring me happiness by popular culture/society messages, only hurt my spirit, my heart, and only served to confuse me.

My father had the answer to what was right and true. But I wouldn't realize that until he was long gone. I wouldn't realize that until experience taught me. And I wouldn't realize that until I discovered some hidden jems of books that were not (and had not) ever been on any best-seller list, but supported the values and ideas my father exemplified.

By age 50, my father was gone. Lately I've been thinking I need to do more. Time really is of the essence. I have to stop worrying about perfecting each idea, and creating something funny or entertaining.

I want to payback, pay it forward, and honor my father and the men and women who sacrificed and continue to sacrifice their lives so that others may live in freedom. My generation, however, was sold freedom as "free from responsibility, free from guilt, free from consequences."

That is not the kind of freedom that our Founding Fathers, nor the military had in mind when they created and fought for America.

But it's sort of hard to realize that when, everywhere you turn, there is a company, or marketer, or movie, or book, or magazine, or politician, telling you that freedom is about sex, love, drinking, doing drugs, craft beer, craft marijuana, music, sports, and basically, that if you're not out to have a good time, something is fundamentally wrong with you!

I have come to understand that you can still have a good time, and still have common sense, character, and the courage to make a difference. You can refuse to believe the message that you are broken and need to be fixed. Refuse to be distracted by immediate desire and self gratification. Because the weaker you are, the easier it is to influence and persuade you.

All these toxic things I've done, I might not have done, had my dad sat me down and explained to me why virtue is not a dirty word, and how to be on guard and recognize the things that will lead to unhappiness and sow the seeds of disenchantment. But he didn't do that. And after reading an assortment of magazines from the 30's, 40's and 50's - I realize it's because he had no idea how subtly our happiness/freedom was being sabotaged. My father trusted the books I read, and the schools I went to, and the tv I watched, were harmless. And by the time my father realized I was lost in a world where goodness is viewed as corruption, and corruption is viewed as a path to happiness, he could do little to reel me back in. I am as stubborn as he was. But he continued to set and example. And his courage and character, his sense of humor, his determination, and his common sense, have always impressed me and given me something to aspire to.

And now that I understand not only the mistakes I made, but how I was influenced to believe that vice is nice, I hope to help others to be aware and alert. If we truly want happiness for ourselves and for each other, we need to continue to expose the people and ideas that devalue, exploit, and deceive.

If we don't understand the true nature of things and principles like character and justice and goodness, we can't expect them to live by those principles. When people ignore principles, ignorance becomes a glove in which corruption slips its hand.

I think my dad would be relieved to know that I finally wised up and realized I ignored the principles, I paid the price, and I'm taking off the gloves.

Is My Life All For Nothing?

For me, when I write, the challenge is "what if this is all for nothing."

What if the time I spend writing - the books I've written - are all for nothing. What if they are forgotten? 

When I first started to write, it was mostly for entertainment. I hoped to become a "best-selling author" one day. Mostly because all the time I put into writing would be worth something and so I didn't have to depend on a husband or boyfriend or work for a company that treated its employees like crap (though I feel like most companies now treat their employees like crap!). 

Writing is not easy. At least, not for me. Especially in today's culture, where you have to be short and to the point, and somehow be entertaining. 

My writing over the past few years has been less fiction and more writing with a purpose. To somehow restore our character, courage, and confidence. Because though we SEEM like a society that has made much progress, in reality, what I'm witnessing, is a huge decline. A decline in respect for not only each other, but in the way men treat women (and I realize I was part of the problem). A decline in the way people present themselves. I don't feel you have to get dressed up to go out to the store, but the people I see shopping at 2 pm in the afternoon are sloppy, slovenly, and almost seem to go out of there way to say, "Looks are not important; I don't care if you judge me!" But if you think about it, they are really saying, "I do care what you think of me, because I'm making an effort to send a message!"

I am mortified by the older men I know (in their 70's and 80's) that make not only very disparaging remarks about women, but one older married men, is routinely chatting up sex workers on his facebook and sending them money via Western Union! 

 I have filled binders and binders of research on our past culture. I've had fun reading old magazines (from the 30's, 50's etc). I have been able to trace back the slow decline and that has led to our state of confusion (good is bad, bad is good) and illusion. 

I believe I've truly found the answer to what brings contentment and happiness. But I'm so afraid that all this research (combined with experience!) and what I want to write will be lost. 

I stumbled on Rose Wilder Lane's writing. Brilliant! 

Rose Wilder Lane, Isabel Paterson, and Zora Neale Hurston were really the ushers of the Libertarian party. Yet, I'd never heard of them. 

Here are remarkable women from the 30's and 40's and who knows about them? Their messages were messages of "Moxie" and "Self Determination." 

They lived through extremely hard times, yet always had the fortitude and drive to overcome life's challenges. How come we know so little about these truly progressive women?  

So when I sit down to write, I often feel "What's the point?" What if my words get lost? What if I'm wasting my time when I could be doing something more productive like...reading the latest issue of People magazine? 

And I realize my fear of being forgotten, my fear of not making a difference, my fear of being laughed at by the "cool" kids, is the same fear everyone has. 

It's why people join Black Lives Matter. It's why cops become cops. It's why we search out like minded people. We want to belong and be accepted. And yet we also want to make a difference. And show we are somehow unique, individual.  We want our life to have some purpose. We want to be appreciated and loved. If not by a-lot of people, at least a few people. And this wanting to fit in yet wanting to be seen as individual is a fine, fine, line to walk. 

It is sort of like dieting. You know there is an end purpose (to be healthy) - but there is that big glaring fact of life looming in the back of your mind: Life ends. So what's the point of trying to be healthy? Why not just enjoy the pizza and beer and wine? 

And that, is what often stops us from making choices that, in the end, are not only good for us, but good for everyone. And I've found that choosing the difficult path, the path of NO, is actually the path that leads to the most happiness and fulfillment.

Sometimes, we think no one sees us. But you'd be surprised who is watching. And how one act of courage or kindness (whether it be risking your life to save another, or holding the door open for an elderly person) can stick in someones mind, and encourage them to do something courageous or kind. 

So, you might be hesitating to start a project or journey...you might be afraid to put yourself out on the limb and be judged. You might have the little voice inside your head telling you to not bother, because what if it's all for nothing? 

The trick is to get over yourself at the same time you need to believe in yourself. If you have a positive purpose behind your goal, nothing attempted is ever in vain. Your life is not in vain. There are many people I look to as examples on how to be a good person, how to get better, that have no idea that I aspire to be as smart, or kind, or purposeful, as they are. 

You were born with a talent. It might be being vocal, it might be as a photographer, it might be as an organizer; it might be as simple yet meaningful as being a loyal, loving, honorable friend. It is hard in today's culture when the signals seem to be, the more raunchy or self indulgent you are, the more respected you will be. It's difficult to 'do the right thing' when there is no seemingly punishment for doing the wrong thing; for hurting someone. Indeed, it seems that by doing the right thing, you will be punished or shamed. 

Your life is not all for nothing. The mistakes you make, will make you better. The mistakes you make will make someone else better or be a warning or caution or save someone else (hopefully!) from heartache. 

You might look like a fool - but guaranteed, you will get better. You will learn. And you will feel way more accomplished and better about yourself than you do after you've polished off a whole bag of Cheetos while watching a marathon of any Bravo tv show. 

Football, FanDuel, and Easy Money

I play FanDuel.

I am not a hyuge football fan, though I once used to be able to name all the Eagles (that was back in the Randall Cunningham days).

I play FanDuel for the same reason most people play it.

1) It's a Distraction (I could be doing something like organizing my closets or reading a history book).

2) It's Easy Money. Something From (just about) nothing. You can win thousands of dollars from a one dollar entry.

3) It makes me feel like a detective; like I'm solving a puzzle.
Because with FanDuel, the object is to try and figure out which player is going to have a great game. You look back at statistics, you look at game data (who are they playing this week, how has the opposing team been doing, etc. etc.) A-lot goes into deciding the 'perfect' lineup. You only have so much (fake) money to spend, you want to make sure you spend wisely.

Now, I only put ten dollars in and once my ten is gone, I won't continue to play. It does make life a bit more interesting. Especially as I'm a girl (actually born AND identify as a girl), it gives me something to talk about when I'm around guys. Though generally they laugh at all my picks and make fun of me because I still have no concept of what a tight-end does. Also, I still love Tim Tebow and I think it's crap he got a-lot of shit for kneeling to pray on the field and became an outcast; Kapernaick (not sure how to spell his name, and don't really care) takes a kneel to try and divide our country even further apart and he gets on the cover of Time magazine!

Though I enjoy football, and think it's a fun diversion, it also makes me incredibly sad that so much devotion is given to a sport (and I mean all sports in general). If only we paid this much attention to what is going on in politics. If only we voted in politicians who run touchdowns, catch passes, and lead each Sunday in rushing. And if only we cut (or fired) those who under perform.

I wish that more people would "FanDuel" their politicians (esp. the Presidents). Dig a little deeper than what the media tell you. Cross research. Though in this case with the President; you've got one person who has spent her whole life in politics and has done nothing; has been at the center of scandal after scandal. And one politician who is a successful business man. He's had many failures, but at least he fought his way and never stopped trying. And he says things that are not very presidential. But, if you know politics at all, you know that Hillary says things that aren't presidential either, she just says them through PAC's or uses other people to deliver Trumplike digs. So, one candidate tells it like it is, and the other uses someone else to tell it like it is.

FanDuel (and sports in general) is what Huxley warned us about in Brave New World; that pleasures and distraction would be the ruin of society. With the peoples' attention diverted elsewhere, it would be easy to pass laws that restrict freedom; that take more of the peoples' money and resources.

Does anyone know what your local government is doing? I sure as hell don't. I went to a local meeting a few weeks ago and discovered they were voting on things they had already paid for! The township manager said, "Well, I couldn't just wait to get approval." And yet, we have a waterwell that is 2 points below toxic level and they have no idea what is going on.

Imagine if we gave up one night of Netflix, one night of sports, and started paying a little attention to our local government. It's always good to start there and work your way up. Even if you just show up and sit there; it sends a message people are paying attention. A little sunlight sends the cockroaches scattering.

So on this Sunday; enjoy your football. May you win big. May I win bigger. But consider my plea to pay a little more attention to politics (more than just skimming news), esp. your local government; because with just a little investment; we can all win big.

Go Steelers!

Outwitting The Devil - A Book That Positively Changed My Life

Outwitting the Devil by Napoleon Hill is a bit of a strange book, however, it continues to be one of books that changed my life for the better.

It has been so valuable to me. I listened to the audio book version. I kept replaying certain passages, but it was really the information about “drifting” that made me realize how much time I’ve wasted. That having fun was…fun…but for what purpose? I realized the happiest times in my life were times I was making a positive difference in life; when I overcame challenges or met goals I set for myself.
You've heard the old saying: "When in doubt, read the instructions." Well - here it is: The Owner's Manual on how to live a meaningful and successful life.

This book, written in 1938, written by Napoleon Hill over 70 years ago, but "Outwitting the Devil" was not published until 41 years after his death. The concern was that his community and family would  reject him for printing the bold things that his conversation with “the devil” brought to light.
Some parts of the book are no longer relevant in the light of some of the advancements made in 70 years.  However, and this is one of the most important things I’ve realized: the laws of nature never change. Just as H2O will always be water. The causes of failure and unhappiness will never change.

Regardless of what you may think of the way it's written, you'll take something enormously valuable from it, something that could change your life.
I believe the devil in the book is really a metaphor for those who exploit and profit from  fear –, before you think this is a religious book, you'll be interested to know that the devil reveals the biggest, best way he has to take control of people is through religion. This book does not bash religion in anyway, it simply points out that some people use religion as a method to control. Just like some people use the government as methods to control.

The devil confides in Hill: “I break down independent thought and start people on the habit of drifting, by confusing their minds with unprovable ideas concerning a world of which they know nothing. It is here also that I plant in the minds of children the greatest of all fears --- the fear of hell!"
Now, you can think of other things, not just religion, that plays on our desire to “know” and on our fears of being left behind (status!) or “out of the loop” or isolated – and once you realize that all the “drifting” we do when reading Science News, or Behavioral Breakthroughs, or Justice Revolutions, is really just someone (or a group of people) profiting by appealing to our desire to learn, to be just a bit better than others. If we don’t have a solid, firm, understanding of life, it’s easy to drift, to become confused, and to lose focus on the basics of happiness.

This book is one of the most important I’ve read about personal development. Many of the ideas that Napoleon Hill conveys about how our society has allowed itself to be influenced, pacified, or angered, and conditioned into submission.  The part I was most stunned by was the simple yet profound way Hill  tells us exactly why we deprive ourselves from our own initiative and courage to accomplish what we desire.

The concept of 'drifting' hit so close to home with me that I have had to re-listen to the interview over and over again to catch the details that clearly describe the things we do that set us on a path of apathy and hopelessness.
I have read many books that tell us what we need to do to be successful, but few that tell us what the signs are that you are beginning to drift and how you can prevent those from happening.

Think and Grow Rich was one of the first books written by Napoleon Hill and sold 80 million copies and positively impacted the lives of so many of that generation. However, many younger people today don't even know who Hill is, let alone have an understanding of the powerful principles he gifted to the world. The release of Outwitting the Devil (in 2012) is timely because we who are surrounded by the smothering troubled state of today's world need and this is like throwing a kind of a life-line to pull ourselves up.

The points that influenced me the most:
“Drifting”- The danger of drifting aimlessly in life. If I'm watching 6 hours of TV a day or spending my time on facebook  or playing video games,  any other timewaster which is not helping me achieve my goals, I'm drifting. The antidote is focus and maintaining a Definite Chief Aim which keeps me on track and out of the drifting paths.

“Fear”- Fear as one of the great tools of the adversary. Fear is confidence in reverse. Focus on your chief aims to the exclusion of all doubt and fear is replaced by empowering confidence.

“Hypnotic Rhythm”- If you drift long enough, you will be unable to break the habit of drifting. Eat too much and too often, and your stomach expands and you need more and more to fill you up. Watch “porn” and you need to watch more and you need to watch worse and worse in order to become aroused. Drink a few beers or do a few drugs and soon you tolerate a few and need to consume more and more. You get stuck in a continuous cycle. The cycle causes you to feel bad, your confidence plunges, your courage plunges, and you lose sight of any goals. You become a prime targets for exploiters: people who will sell you more of what is crippling you (making them realize THEIR goals) and people who will vow to “save you” (again, other people will be profiting off your continuous cycle of  drifting).
The upside of this is that when you consistently focus on your definite chief aim, on a positive purpose; the power of Hypnotic Rhythm hastens your progress and help you maintains success.

The list of recommendations to transform education in the world from failed institutions of mediocrity to producers of self-directed, self-thinking, and empowered (not entitled) individuals is simple common sense.
Napoleon Hill’s Seven Principles for Outwitting the Devil in Your Life:

1. Definiteness of Purpose

2. Mastery over Self

3. Learning from Adversity

4. Controlling environmental influence (associations)

5. Time (giving permanency to positive, rather than negative thought-habits and developing wisdom)

6. Harmony (acting with definiteness of purpose to become the dominating influence in your own mental, spiritual, and physical environment)

7. Caution (thinking through your plans before you act)

Hill asks the Devil:
“WHAT PREPARATION MUST ONE UNDERGO before being
able to move with definiteness of purpose at all times?”

The Devil replies: “One must gain mastery over self. This is the second of the
seven principles. The person who is not master of himself can
never be master of others. Lack of self-mastery is, of itself, the
most destructive form of indefiniteness.”
I’ve found this to be so true. It’s why it’s so important to remember that self control, self determination, leads to confidence, courage, and character.

Truly a remarkable book that will have you feeling a bit guilty for watching Netflix, and more determined to make a positive difference and aim toward a goal/purpose in your life.

Thirteen Lessons From Working In A Grocery Store

Marshmallow Crispy Oreos

I have had a million jobs.

It started with a paper route when I was 12 - then baby sitting, and then everything from store detective at Bloomingdales (seriously the most fun job I've ever had). Waitress.  Paramedic. Sales for a Fortune 500 Company. Decorating cakes and cookies in a bakery. 

The one thing I've been consistent at is being curious and researching and writing. 

My writing may never lead to anything. 

I'm okay with that. 

I don't know that my husband is. 

He could end-up being my ex-husband if I don't win the lottery or sell a-lot of books. 

I knew as soon as the wrinkles and gray hair popped up on me he'd poop out!

At least I'm always working though (right?).

I know a few women who stay home and don't even clean or cook  and then bitch when the husband works too much. 

Not that I cook (anymore). And at least I pick up the dog poop in the yard. 

But you'll never  hear me complain that my husband works too much! Or golfs too much. 

The key to a great relationship is to spend as little as time together as possible. I read it in TIME magazine, so it must be true. 

I've met so many people. Learned so much about human nature. And what I discovered is, no matter WHERE you work...from slinging bacon to saving lives; it is always the same. 

Clicks. "In groups." 

Miserable co-workers who bitch about their bosses and the job but do nothing to change it. Employees who WANT to raise their voice and change things, but they have obligations to meet and so, they don't want to rock the boat. But please, if you're not willing to rock the boat, stop complaining about the stagnate sea. Muck it up or suck it up and shut up. 

And it seems the more diplomas and certifications/schooling  that bosses/managers have, the more removed from acting with common sense and kindness they become. My best bosses have been the ones with the least "professional" schooling and the most experience in the field. 

  

The past year, I worked at a grocery store part-time. That job has taught me much more than I ever expected to learn about human nature. 

Who knew working in a grocery store could provide so much insight to life? 

The Top Thirteen Lessons I've Learned From Working In A Grocery Store: 

1) We are HUGELY influenced by what we are exposed to. This sound ridiculously simple and like plain common sense. But I don't think we are really, acutely aware how influenced we are by the people/culture we surround ourselves with. How greatly it impresses the choices we make. I worked in a fabulous BAKERY and didn't gain any weight! Tortes. Cookies. Cheesecake. CANOLI cheesecake! Gained no weight!

Then I worked at a grocery store and gained almost fifteen pounds. It also gave me huge insight into why we are so fascinated with sex, fitness, sports, and, of course, food.  - I will write more on this in the future. 

2) Old People (I'm talking late 70's and 80's)- have far more pride and determination to remain self-sufficient than most young people I know. 

 Even though they have disabilities, they refuse help to the car. One sweet older lady who suffered a stroke and has only use of one arm, always turns down my offer to help her outside, saying, "Save the offer for someone who really needs it." They set a great example to me and give me something to strive for. 

3) Far too many people abuse food stamps. This is not a racial thing. All colors do it. All nationalities do it. What PISSES ME OFF is, that the senior citizens I described in #2, count their pennies (literally!), and live on oatmeal and fruit. The people abusing food stamps are carrying Coach purses, have manicures, and rack up 300 dollars on shrimp, steak, Cheetos, soda, and snack cakes. It's disgusting. 

4) Criminals have more protection than honest citizens due to lawyers and threats of lawsuits. Our country is upside down:Corruption is ignored or worse, rewarded!  Shoplifters are rarely stopped and even rarely ever prosecuted. You have to be REALLY STUPID to get yourself arrested. 

5) Liberals allow their kids to roam the store and stand on the seat of the carts. This does not apply to all liberals; only the liberals that wear Birkenstock sandals.  And have unshaven armpits. And filthy FILTHY re-useable bags (why can't you WASH these out? Do you realize how many germs they have?) They also rarely donate to charity. They buy gluten free and organic everything. 

6) Conservatives donate to charity almost every-time they come in. I know they are Conservative because they wear USA PROUD hats, send their kids to the local Catholic school, and talk about Trump in hushed, reverent tones. They also profusely thank the physically/mentally challenged baggers even though the baggers often put their cakes in the bag upside down and sideways. Note:*** There are a few customers I have on the "Right"  that are so smug and superior and pretentious (they buy Philadelphia Magazine), they can't even look me in the eye, god forbid they acknowledge me when I thank them and tell them to enjoy their day! They are, however,  the exception. 

7) The self-check out computers make mistakes. Often. 

8) The decision makers at the corporate office are completely, irresponsibly, out of touch with real life. Every solution seems to be: "computerize!" 

9) Low prices are fabulous, but they only get you so far. Customers would pay more to have cheerful, thoughtful, well trained, dependable,  employees. 

10) People are REALLY GETTING TIRED of being asked to donate for a new charity every-time they come in. It's getting out of hand. And employees are just as tired and feel awful for harping after customers to donate. However, employees have been threatened with write-ups and possible termination for not asking each customer. 

11) I'd say half the teenagers stand at the end of the checkout, scrolling through their iphones instead of helping to bag the groceries if there is no bagger. The parent ends up bagging while the kid stands there. Holy heck. This is why we are spiraling down the tubes people! Parents allowing perfectly capable kids to stand around while the parent does the work! See my number #2 lesson. 

12) Oreo's come in a variety of flavors and they are constantly changing. They are available only for a Limited Time. The limited time is a marketing ploy to get people to buy them. It works on me. Every. Single. Time. 

They are the number one purchased brand of cookie.  

13)  Almost everyone buys bananas. 

Happiness is Freedom. Freedom is Trust. Trust is Character. Happy 4th of July!

I will share with you my recent experience about my broken heart - misplaced trust. But. It is the Fourth of July. So here's a video about why I love the holiday. It does have to do with trust. But today should be a day of celebration and gratitude. Plenty of time for bitching later in the week! Haha.

When You Trust The Wrong Person

I’m such a sucker.
From dating horrible guys to marrying the wrong guy(s) – you’d think I’d have learned by now who to trust.
But, in fairness, we learn as we go along.
And, in fairness, I recognize danger much more quickly than I once did (perhaps it’s because I rarely drink anymore?).
Perhaps it’s because as I’ve become older, I rarely feel the overwhelming desire for status.
Seeking status is human nature, but it's very easy to corrupt your character for the risk of Being Number One (or, number 20. Just as long as you're not on the bottom heap).
I'd by lying if I said I still didn't care about status, however, not as much as I once did.
I do still care about looking good and striving to do my best, but that’s not about status, that’s about wanting to be the best person I can be. That’s human nature.
For me, being the ‘best person I can be’ also includes warning people when I spot frauds and phonies.
When I have bad experiences.
Yes, being nice is GOOD. It’s wonderful. And 95% of the time, I am really nice. At least, I hope I am.
Being nice is actually EASY. It rarely pisses anyone off (except atheists – they are really never happy anyway. Unless they are watching Star Wars).
Stepping up and disagreeing with or questioning popular organizations or people is not a fun place to be caught in.
But, one thing I have tried extremely hard to do is tell the truth.  Because I want to be able to trust someone else. I want to be able to let my guard down and just enjoy myself, or pursue goals.
I want someone to not only believe in, but I want to TRUST that person or organization. You waste a-lot of energy when you are unable to trust.
You lose focus when you lose trust.
You lose freedom when you lose trust and faith in whatever it is you believed in, because you then spend time chiding yourself for believing in that person (or organization) for the time you wasted when you could have been with someone (or something else).
Your heart breaks.
Isn’t there someone, anyone, anywhere, that will give you a soft place to land when you’ve had turbulence in your life?
And when do you, as a person, stop providing a soft place to land for that person, that family, that friend, that job, that has abused your trust and your heart?
And how can you trust yourself to make the right choices in the future?
Who can you believe in anymore?
Well, I have the answer.
And I also want to admit my latest stupid disappointment – mostly in myself for not having known better in the first place.
And I’ll tell you tomorrow.